Lament Configuration


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Here it is. It’s unfinished but you get the idea.



Monogamous Freak

Wow. Dating. Wow.

Where do I begin? I find myself becoming increasingly frustrated with the men in my area. I also find myself becoming frustrated with the idea of polyamory. That is all any of the men in my area want, at least the ones attracted to me. News Flash: The Quad Cities is a massive orgy. Is that fact? I am not sure but like I said it seems that way.
I should say that I know that in theory polyamory is nothing like some freak ass orgy. It seems like a very beautiful concept of love that seems to focus on open and honest communication. However, the individuals I have ran across (men mostly) that practice polyamory are simply sleeping around. Two of the individuals have had their hearts broken and are humping to ease the pain. A third individual, I believe, just wants the attention of multiple partners. Of course your partners are putting you first, you’re poly-amorous and their in competition for your affection. That seems selfish to me.

I want monogamy. I feel like a freak for wanting that.

That’s another thing that I am slowly losing my patience with when it comes to dating. I have seven piercings, five tattoos, my head is partially shaved, my bust is large, I am a heathen, and I enjoy horror. It is assumed that I am into all sorts of debauchery. It is assumed I am some sort of sexual deviant. I am not. I mindless watch Law & Order:SVU and The Golden Girls. I go to Jazzercise. I read constantly. I have an associates in General & Occupational Technologies. I am working on a certificate in programming. I am boring as shit drying. I need to find an equally boring monogamous man.

Nothing Risked Nothing Gained

As I was perusing the internet, looking for new products on and seeing the free movies from, I decided to check out I’m glad I did.

Bloody Disgusting is looking for contributors. I love horror. Everyday is Halloween for me. I helped a friend launch a podcast based on a one shot horror survival game we co-gmed. I wrote out whole scenarios for him. Horror is my thing. Hell, I dated an FX artist for a few months. The FX artist’s most recent work has been those Steak n Shake commercials with the two old men and a horror movie with Chance The Rapper. I’m lead to believe based on his descriptions, the movie is called Slice. **He needs to update his resume. No wonder finding work is hard. **

I am going to review Freddy’s Nightmares and see if I am accepted as a contributor. Nothing risked nothing gained.

Becoming A Book Of Blood

As many of my friends know, I am an avid horror fan. 90-95% of my dvd collection are horror movies or horror t.v. shows. I reread WeaveWorld and The Thief Of Always yearly. I am such a Clive Barker fan that I am turning the upper left portion of my torso into a book of blood. For those of you unfamiliar with the book of blood, Clive Barker wrote a series of short stories that were contained into volume of books titled The Books Of Blood. The movies; Dread, Midnight Meat Train, Rawhead Rex, and The Book of Blood as well as the Tales from The Dark Side episode The Yattering and The Jack were based off of short stories in those volumes.

My idea stems from the movie The Book Of Blood which is based on the short story, On Jerusalem Street. In the story a young man pretends to be possessed by ghosts and writes their stories on walls and on himself. The ghosts find out about this and begin to actually write their stories upon his flesh.

My plan is to have a Clive Barker quote, something that most people would not associate with him, inked on my skin by different artists. I also plan on having it be quotes from his books, so the quote “Jesus wept” will not be on my flesh. Thus far I have “And this story, having no beginning, will have no end.” on my forearm. After I get the lament configuration put on my chest, I’ll be getting “Wherever I go I will speak your name with love.” put over my heart. I’m unclear of what other quotes to get and where. I’ll leave that up to my artists.

I Get By

A few things have happened since posting that I wish to give up. Namely, I have had friends out side of my normal circle reach out to me. I’ve spent a good chunk of time talking to three individuals in particular: Gabby, Jimto, and Evan thank you guys.
Gabtastic, I look forward to vacationing solo in Disney with you. Morrogo, here we come!
Jimto, I want to see more photos of your new born. Don’t get rid of the goat, teach him to respect it.
Evan, we’re going to make an amazing movie.

Hello Darkness

I cannot be around my friends anymore. The majority of the ones I see on a constant basis are becoming toxic. There is too many pressures when I am around them.
When are you moving out on your own?
Why are you depressed you don’t have any stresses?How’s dating going?
Don’t start drama with your ex.
You need a real job.
Your parents won’t be around forever.

I can’t do it anymore.


2017 on a personal level is shaping up to be a bad year, if I continue to let it.

Since developing feelings for a certain individual, I have become depressed. Why? He chooses to be in a poly relationship. I do not share well and I am prone to jealousy. He has not been entirely honest with me concerning his relationship. I could be less upset if he had been 100% honest with me. His girlfriend has been called his girlfriend but they have an open relationship, she has been called his Domme, she has been called his Mistress. I have no fucking clue what she is. She’s a friend to him. She was there when his world went to shit. Do you know who was there for me and continues to be there for me?

No one.



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About a month ago, I joined a few dating sites. OkCupid and Tindr to be precise, at one point I was regrettably on Plenty of Fish. I have since deleted all accounts.

Plenty Of Fish was a sea of men looking for an easy lay with one individual who seemingly was not. He was overly friendly, sympathetic, and understood what I was going through. Every conversation we had involved me asking why he cared since he didn’t know me, him responding with because someone should and sending hugs. I informed him this behavior made me uneasy and quick to distrust him. He, thankfully, backed off.

Tindr, I have to be honest, I used it for flirting only. There were days, I needed to feel pretty and desirable. We all do. I know, I know, I shouldn’t let the opinions of others determine how I feel about myself. That’s absolutely true, which is why I deleted my account. I did keep tindr the longest out of any of the dating sites, because I appreciated that both parties had to mutually agree to talk to each other before communication could start. I received absolutely no unwanted attention.

OkCupid was interesting. I attracted several older men, some nice and others not so much. A few of these men were extremely polite and well articulated, however, they were not what I was looking for. The rest had the charisma of a rotting fish. I do not want to be your baby girl, I do not want to marry you, and I most certainly do not want to jack off a stranger (that last one is an actual message I received on OkCupid).

I did meet a very nice gentleman from OkCupid. I’ll gush about him in the next post.


Alright, so to begin it’s been two months since FX Dude cheated and a month since he seemed to be dating another girl almost directly after dating me, might I add that he was communicating with her while with me. Shady much? Also a month since I referred to him as a weak ass bitch and deleted my old Facebook account.Yeah, it was a bad decision (the name calling) in a list of bad decisions revolving around him. However, deleting and rebuilding my Facebook account was a smart decision.

For those of you that do not know C.B.T stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is “a type of psychotherapy in which negative patterns of thought about the self and the world are challenged in order to alter unwanted behavior patterns or treat mood disorders such as depression” In simple terms; if I started to think of something bad, I stop myself, and start looking for something positive in the event. So far, it’s been working for me. I can’t say it will work for everyone nor do I advocate that it will.