My last post was back in July. I’ve been trying to get my life in some sort of order. It’s been hit or miss.
I found a bottle of pills the other day. Sleep aids, I had bought months ago and misplaced. I had every intention on taking the whole bottle with other medications just so I would not have to endure another year of living. I have a form of depression.
I have a few friends who read this, so I’ll say this to them, I have been in therapy for most of this year. I am doing better. I will never be okay. I have a form of depression where despite being happy or content, I will have in the back of my head that someone else could benefit from my death (organ donation). The best way to describe the feeling is when you think about what to have for a meal briefly or a song. It just sort of pops in and leaves. It only gets bad when I stress about things.
I’ve talked to my therapist about my stresses. I’ve discussed work, family, dating, friends with her. I’ve come to realize work is crazy and it’s nice to be able to discuss my thoughts and ideas with someone before I bring those issues up to my actual bosses. My therapist has helped guide me with how to approach my higher ups. With my family, I’ve come to realize that most of my upbringing issues are because my parents were children when they had my middle sister and I. They were in their early 20s! They didn’t know what the fuck they were doing. I’m in my mid 30s, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I can’t imagine being 20 and having two children. Mom had me at 18 and my sister at 23. Dad wasn’t much older, 22 and 27 I think. Once I came to that realization, everything else sort of fell in place. The irrational fits, the control issues. Children behave that way. Children without a good home behave that way. My parents did their best with the material they were given and they weren’t given much. Have I forgiven them? Yes and no. I still have panic and anxiety attacks whenever my dad gives me a dirty look. I dress a certain way or I mention drinking. I’m 33 and I am still scared shit-less of my dad’s look. I’ll be talking to my therapist about that. As far as dating goes…. I’m better off not doing that. There is a lack of men that I’m interested in on-line. I’ve attempted dating a few times. I think once viewing a penis gets you to the point of meh… it’s time to stop online dating. Seriously, for awhile there I was receiving so many dick pics that I had lost all attraction to them. It was like going to a grocery store and picking up hot dogs. Like welp that’s a thing and clearly you’re proud of it. I’ve also come to realize that just because my friends are paired off and happy, doesn’t mean my life is lacking in any capacity because I’m not paired off. I can be just as happy single.